Just re-read that bit: mine was a hoot and a laugh from start to finish as a day patient on a mixed ward - the examining doc was female and did a few of these per day.
Someone has to do it and I believe they are very well paid!!

__________________
Dave

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

__________________
Dave

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
>
> They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
>
> He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
>
> They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
> Jesus!'
>
> Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
>
> Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
> pint of bitter.
>
> Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
> slowly, one after another.
>
>
> After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
>
> He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
> Guinness.
>
> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
> arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
> It's a miracle!'
>
>
>
> Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
>
> As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
>
> 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A
> Miracle.'
>
> Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
>
> 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
>
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> '''''''''
>
> A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
>
> The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
> One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
> chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
> drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
> hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the
> young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
> Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
>
> The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
>
> The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''
>
> Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
> object was discovered in a car.
>
> It later turned out to be a tax disc.
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> '''''''
>
> A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
>
> She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
>
>
> Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
>
> The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
> raise your Hand?'
>
>
> 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
>
> The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
> then who are you a fan of?'
>
> 'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
>
> The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man
> Utd fan?'
>
> 'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man
> Utd fan too!'
>
> 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
> for you to be a Man Utd fan.
>
> You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
>
> What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
> you be then?'
>
> 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

__________________
Dave

Pope Joke

After landing in the US and getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage
loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness',
says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'



'Well, to tell you the truth', says the Pope, 'They never let me
drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today'.



'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.



'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.



Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.



'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.



'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license', moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on the radio



'I need to talk to the Chief', he says to the dispatcher.



The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.



'So bust him', says the Chief.



'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
No, I mean really important' said the cop.
The Chief then asked 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger'
Well' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

__________________
Dave

Dave glad to see you back in style keep em comin. I always send them on they are too funny to keep to my self and from there they go and who knows one day theyll probably end up back in youre in box.

My mate in Peru loved the Ham bush one.

A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.
"A shark bit off me whole leg."

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate.
"It was the first day with the hook."

Confucius Say:

__________________
Dave

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS with 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
The sign was prominently displayed in a window of business premises in Campbeltown, Scotland !
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask, 'what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?.'

Answer: An Undertaker's office
(Who said undertakers had nosense of humour?)


You've got to love it!!!

__________________
Dave

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>
> OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
> OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
> Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
> Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
> Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camels ass!!!

__________________
Dave

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The
> doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow."
> The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with
> the same results.
> The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would
> be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results.
> The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
> doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
> hand, but still nothing.
> Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
> teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing."
> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm.
> The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.

__________________
Dave

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
> would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.>
>
> Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
>
>
> The first worm was put
> into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put
> into a container of cigarette smoke.
> The third worm was put into
> a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into
> a container of good clean soil.
>
>
> At the conclusion of the sermon,
> the Minister reported the following results:
>
>
>
> The first worm in alcohol -
> Dead.
>
> The second worm in cigarette smoke -?
> Dead .
>
>
> ?
> Third worm in chocolate syrup -
> Dead .
>
>
> ?
> Fourth worm in good clean soil -
> Alive.
>
>
> So the Minister asked the congregation -
>
> What can you learn from this demonstration?
>
>
> Maxine was setting in the back,
> quickly raised her hand and said,
>
>
> "As long as you drink,
> smoke and eat chocolate,
> you won't have worms!"

__________________
Dave

At 85 Years Of Age, Roger Married Jenny, A Lovely 25 Year Old.
> Since Her New Husband Is So Old, Jenny Decides That After Their
> Wedding She And Roger Should Have Separate Bedrooms, Because
> She Is Concerned That Her New But Aged Husband May Overexert
> Himself If They Spend The Entire Night Together.
>
> After The Wedding Festivities Jenny Prepares Herself For Bed And The
> Expected Knock' On The Door. Sure Enough The Knock Comes, The Door
> Opens And There Is Roger, Her 85 Year Old Groom, Ready For Action.
> They Unite As One.
> All Goes Well, Roger Takes Leave Of His Bride, And She Prepares To
> Go To Sleep.
>
> After A Few Minutes, Jenny Hears Another Knock On Her Bedroom Door,
> And It's Roger, Again He Is Ready For More 'action'. Somewhat Surprised,
> Jenny Consents For More Coupling When The Newly Weds Are Done, Roger Kisses
> His Bride, Bids Her A Fond Good Night And Leaves.
>
> She Is Set To Go To Sleep Again, But, Aha You Guessed It - Roger Is
> Back Again, Rapping On The Door, And Is As Fresh As A 25-year-old,
> Ready For More 'action'. And, Once More They Enjoy Each Other.
>
> But As Roger Gets Set To Leave Again, His Young Bride Says To Him, 'i
> Am Thoroughly Impressed That At Your Age You Can Perform So Well And So
> Often. I Have Been With Guys Less Than A Third Of Your Age Who Were
> Only Good Once. You Are Truly A Great Lover, Roger.'
>
> Roger, Somewhat Embarrassed, Turns To Jenny And Says: 'you Mean I Was
> Here Already?'
>
> The Moral Of The Story: Don't Be Afraid Of Getting Old, Alzheimer's Has
> Its Advantages

__________________
Dave

The Wisdom of An Older Man
>
>
> >> An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a >> shopping mall.
>
> >> "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a >> couple of minutes?"
>
> >> The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of >> course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
>
> >> "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, >> she seems to appear out of nowhere."

__________________
Dave

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.



The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.



He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'



And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..



But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'



'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'



'No problem,' he says. And in they go.



Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.



In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.



They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.



As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.



So he leans over and kisses Sandra..



No one says a word.



So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.



Still, nobody says a word.



So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.



'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.



Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.



Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!'

__________________
Dave