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Dealing with guilty conscience, because my mum is so sad
Hey :)
I will get my bike tomorrow (I HOPE!) and I just ordered my REV'IT Pioneer Outdry boots which was delivered today to my parent's house. I am 26 years old and my mum always was one of the worried kind of person whenever I go for a trip (I do backpacking for 6 years now and drove scooters in SEA many times [she doesn't know how crazy the traffic is and that I drove^^]). Now, everytime the topic "motorcycle" comes up she's instantly becoming very opressive. Like whenever she's reminded of the fact that I will start riding soon she gets really worried and sad. The problem is that I don't want my mum to feel like that and this makes me feeling guilty. I suddently am afraid of having a bad crash not because of my own live (if it happens, it happens) but because my mum won't be able to handle that and break down most likely. If i asked her why she's sad, she just said that she is tired by work and everything is fine but that's a lie. How do you guys handle that? I mean for me, it's all about a few rides around the block at first, maybe a weekend trip but you guys travel for months... any advices? |
In my experience, nothing you say or do will stop mum from worrying. If she didn't worry, that would be a bad sign. Take classes on how to ride, and how to crash, take a few short trips so she can see you know what you are doing, while she may continue to worry(that comes with the Mum Job Description) she may feel less worried. But be careful, riding is more dangerous than watching a movie or reading about other people's adventure. All that being said, ride within your limits and have fun.
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I'd echo GG's comments Skyy.
There are no guarantees in life but riding sensibly, knowing you are the one who is going to come worse off in an accident, and wearing the right gear will go along way to keeping you safe. Get and read Motorcycle Roadcraft too - some excellent advice in that. And enjoy :-) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
Sounds like a normal mum's response to me, all you can do is reassure her and remind her of the precautions you take when out riding and travelling.
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It's all a case of which end of the telescope you're looking through. When I was the "fearless" teen heading off to places my parents had never heard of they were the ones left at home with no news or updates (no phones back then) until I either returned or didn't. I was the expert rider who would never have an accident and it was all going to be an awfully big adventure (although not in the Peter Pan sense!) and I'd come back and go on to greater things. Why should they worry, everything was fine.
Even the girlfriends who went with me were going to be fine. Why wouldn't the parents of the girly naive daughters who'd never been further than a coach trip to London be happy watching them ride off to the back end of Europe with someone they hardly knew? Of course they wouldn't get injured and of course they wouldn't come back pregnant. Why did we have all these arguments over a simple bike trip? Fast forward a generation and I'm now the parent. Even with phones, email etc I'm worrying if my children are going to be safe as they off to China or somewhere I've never heard of. It's because I have no control over what they're doing, who they're meeting, what dangers are lurking. It's a parental duty to protect children until they've survived enough scrapes to reach maturity but as a parent you never know when that point is reached. Worry and its somewhat uptight first cousin, responsibility, continues until the grim reaper takes a hand. Now I know what my pillion passengers parents were going through and I do have a degree of guilt over my lack of understanding. Worry over something outside your control is endemic.My wife's parents (in their 80's) still worry about their daughters (in their late 50's) when either of them go off on a bike trip. As a parent it goes with the territory but all you can do is keep it in check and realise that boundaries have to be pushed. You worry but realise that this is how life works out. So, understand what she's going through, reasure her and go and do it anyway. |
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It is natural for a loved one to be concerned and to worry. I have four kids aged from 22 to 7 and I worry when they are away from me. Is there a reason your mum behaves like you describe such as a friend dying or being injured on a bike that you may not be aware of?. Humans do things for a reason and I would suggest your mum is trying to change your behaviour (ie you wont go). I had a similar issue with my wife when I first started riding for work as a first responder. We sat down and honestly talked about the actual risks that are involved compared to other risks in life and also how important it was to me. I also told her that if her worrying is on my mind then I am worried about her worrying and it goes around in a big circle. The worry people have about the danger of bikes is overblown by the media. As a first responder I went to most accidents when on shift where I worked. If you take out the riders using the streets as a racetrack bikes were a very very small percentage of fatal accidents. And bike riders reinforce by always saying that bike crashes are stupid motorists fault. The statistics (at least in Australia) don't support this. The rider generally has a contributing factor by riding like a **** or with their head up their *****. The funny thing was that while my wife worried about me on the bike she never worried that I would get stabbed by a druggie or belted by a drunk - both far more a common occurrence. My advice - sit mum down with a cup of tea and explain just how important this part of your life is. Explain how safe you ride (never speed, always watching ahead and using your peripheral vision - you know the stuff we all do) and that you really really worry about HER worrying when you are on the bike. If she worried less then you would worry less and concentrate more. The other thing is take her for a ride and point out the things you do to make it safe. Just around town pointing out things like how you are watching the motorists heads to see where they are looking, making eye contact, slowing near the intersections until you can see the other driver has seen you. I did this with my wife and after a while she would comment when i covered the brakes, slowed near an intersection etc. Now she falls asleep on the back! Apologies that was a bit long. |
I very much like Homers GSA's response. Show your mum that you're being as safe as you can be ...and live by it when she's not around too. Aside from that the best thing you can do is to go on trip after trip and come home safe. She may at the very least become less worried about your travels as time goes on. Very few people want to make others feel worried but we all need to live our lives as well.
Don't hold it against her since you are, and forever will be, her baby. But please, please, please don't forgo living your life and doing what you need to do in order to make her feel better. You'll just end up "killing yourself" on the inside. It's completely normal to worry about those you love and I'm no exception when my wife takes off on her own ...even though we're both in our 50's and fairly experienced. I was very fortunate in that I come from a travelling family and my parents where actually happy to see me go on my own first trip. They even contributed some money towards it. But my wife does worry about me when I'm gone ...thank goodness. After going on many solo trips and coming home safe, she is much less worried about it nowadays but still cares enough to admonish me to be safe out there. I've also had her ride pillion with me and she invariably commends me for how alert and cautious I am. Something to consider for your mum as well. ...Michelle |
And just to show you how we see danger from different angles;
My wife was a ......... bomb technician...........I kid you not...... LOL |
Thanks for the responds :)
Have been a few comments over night so sorry if I'm not responsing to all the posts. :) No we don't have some1 who lost their live in an accident but a crazy amount of sisters and brothers of my parents died already. My parents both come out of very "old fashioned" families where it was common after the WW2 to get many children therefore I have about 15 uncles and aunts in total. Now left are only 5. One died by multiple sclerosis, one by heart attack and all the rest of them by cancer. I think my mum is just very worried about burrying her child since it always should be the other way around. It's not the motorcycle alone but the risk in general. Luckily I always felt like speeding on a motorcycle is even more annoying then in the car. I mean with my car i usually drive around 65-70km/h even tho it's 50... but I'm not the kind of person who wants to drive 180+km/h on the Autobahn or goes crazy speeds (80+km/h) in cities. And driving faster then 120 km/h was always a pain in the ass for me on the motorcycle. The wind and all...I don't like it. The reason why I want to drive motorcycle is the freedom of do whatever I want or to be able to "feel" the environment. Hard to explain but you sure do know what i mean! I'm not into motorcycles because I like the crazy acceleration a motorcycle can provide or topspeed. I really don't know if I ever will get a motorcycle with more then 100hp... But for now, I still have to wait for my milka cow to arrive :) And then I will make it my mission to always come back home :) |
mums worry it is in their nature.... when I took my 8-year-old daughter across Europe last year my wife was constantly terrified... we both had an amazing time :funmeteryes: and arrived back safely... she is now dreading our next trip!:oops2:
It can be done but you have to be careful and plan a lot especially with a little one. Yes riding a bike is riskier than playing scrabble or driving a car, but it can also be so very rewarding too. -> For me it is one of the things that makes life worth living! |
Hi Henrik
I see from your biography you are a well travelled soul but a parents worry is always going to be there its the sign of love and duty to protect. Now your new adventures will involve the use of a motorcycle start you adventures small and make them grow at a sensible rate (remember to learn to walk before running) I found a good way to break the fear of travel is to involve them take pictures buy a small souvenir for you mum then take time to tell her about the adventure she will soon see the "sparkle" in your eyes and voice . There are devices on the market to help both rider and love ones feel assured if things go pear shape SPOT Gen3™ & SPOT Trace™ - Personal & Asset Tracking Unit is one of them. Good luck with all your adventures and enjoy. Dai:scooter:beer |
Your parents have lost a lot of close family so they understand that life can be short and unpredictable, and none of those losses seem to have come from risk taking. Maybe you should explain(and hope they understand) that it's a far bigger risk to let your life pass you by not doing the things you want, rather than following your dreams and really living the life you dream of...
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It's human nature for a parent to worry but it's important for you to live your dream and not look back and say 'what if'. My parents worried after I had a bad accident in 2003 but it was not my fault and they gave up hassling me when I got back on bike as soon as I could walk again. I travel a lot with work hence I'm in a hotel bar right now in Toulouse surrounded by suites talking corporate shite. Be glad to get back on bike when I fly back to UK tomorrow night. Go and do it my friend as life is too short
Cheers Bones Sent from my MotoG3 using Tapatalk |
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