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Dodger,Dave
Please keep up the good work with the bad taste jokes. I,d love to know what the censors think is actually appropriate subject matter for jokes!!! Please post a list as soon as possible. Then stick it where it belongs!!! In somekind of dark restricted access kind of a place You know like a coal cellar. Albert theturtleshead |
Ah yes
Why are there no Ecuadorians on Star Trek? because they won,t be doing any work in the future either!!!
Just add any group or nationality you like!!! Equal opportunity to be rude to who ever,sounds fair to me. Albert theturtleshead |
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Oh Gawd!.............. |
DROP THE EGOs and get on with the jokes !!!!:clap::clap:
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it. .................................................. .................................... Haven't read all the jokes here, so apologies if it's a repeat. |
keep it up Dave - the jokes are excellent....:thumbup1:
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Why we prefer not to fly
NEW AIRLINE RULES
Flight Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket? Passenger: Sure. Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please! Passenger: What for? Attendant: For telling you where to sit. Passenger: But I already knew where to sit. Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy. Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it. Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be swell, thanks. Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please. Passenger: What? Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it. Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10. Passenger: No way! Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that. Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me? Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee. Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this. Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you? Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it? Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes. Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air? Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents. Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar? Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go! Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar. Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents. Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this? Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory. |
more airline jokes
Susan that was a cracker, Dave I hope youre hanging in there, lets have some more of them jokes, because I know they help me through the day. That was the reason for joke corner in the first place to make us smile.
AN Australian boarded a flight from Dubai to Melbourne and, after he settled himself in the window seat, a Muslim in his mufti was seated next to him on the aisle. They nodded to each other politely and immersed themselves in their newspapers. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came by with the drinks trolley and asked the Aussie if he would care for a drink. The Aussie folded his newspaper and happily asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him along with a packet of peanuts. The flight attendant turned to the Muslim and asked him if he would like a drink. He shook his head in disgust and replied firmly, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." Shocked to hear that, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "'Me too... I didn't know we had a choice." |
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Yep, no worries there Stu: just been in the mourning game for a while which has involved a considerable quantity of Guinness etc. Still, life (and the black humour) goes on and it will prevail. Thing is, I got my numbers mixed up a while back and I had about 900+ emails in the inbox - the vast majority are jokes - it has now grown to 1013 and increasing every day - it is so good to be popular!! Susan's story is too close to the truth for comfort - should be censored for telling the home truths so blatantly! Nigel, where are you when we need you?! Anyway I don't normally bother with posting jokes unless I am posting on some other thread, but maybe I will concentrate on this thread alone for a while and see how I get on with Nigel's work. :rolleyes2: Catch you all later! |
Maybe a repeat?
Did we have the Bacon Tree? I never look back, so who knows:-
The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... 'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.' 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath. 'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it? 'Jose... ees not a bacon tree... Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Eees a Ham Bush. |
Blondes are always good for a laugh
Blondes are back!
>> >> > >> > Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in > movie? >> > They went to see "Closed for the Winter." >> > >> > *************** >> > Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? >> > She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was > Chinese. >> > >> > *************** >> > >> > Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? >> > There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the > escalators for over four hours. >> > >> > ***************** >> > >> > A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really > bad >> > hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took > it > to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so > he >> decided to have some fun. > He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really >> > hard, and all the dents would pop out. >> > >> > So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and > started >> > blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little >> > harder,and still nothing happened. >> > >> > Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you > doing?" >> > >> The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to > blow >> > into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. >> > >> > The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need >> > to roll up the windows first." >> > >> > **************** >> > >> > A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. >> > The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye >> while covering the right eye. >> > >> > The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye >> > doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see > through, > covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. >> > >> > As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her > face. >> > >> > "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about > getting glasses." >> > >> > "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on >> > wire frames." >> > >> > **************** >> > >> > A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver > thermos. >> > >> > She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it > over >> > to the clerk to ask what it was. >> > >> > The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and >> > some things cold." >> > >> > "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So >> > she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. >> > >> > Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked. >> > >> > "Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things > cold," she replied. >> > >> > Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" >> > >> > The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee". >> > >> > *************** >> > >> > A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf > balls >> > and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The > puzzled >> blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after >> many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." >> > >> > Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and >> > finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, >> " Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" >> > >> > ****************** >> > Saved the Best for Last! >> > >> > This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. >> > This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD: >> > >> > A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, > something >> > nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a > cell >> > phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its > features. >> > Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new > phone. >> > >> > The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her >> > astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he >> said, "how do you like your new phone?" >> > >> > Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is > clear >> > as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." >> > >> > "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. >> > >> > "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" |
Living with the faith
A modern Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets
with >>> their Mullah for counselling. >>> >>> >>> >>> The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. >>> >>> The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance >>> with >>> men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd >>> like your permission to dance together." >>> >>> >>> "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always >>> dance separately." >>> >>> "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" >>> >>> "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." >>> >>> "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" >>> >>> "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah'u'Akbar! Sex is OK within >>> marriage, to have children!" >>> >>> "What about different positions?" asks the man! >>> >>> "Allah'u'Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. >>> >>> "Woman on top?" the man asks. >>> >>> "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah'u'Akbar. Go for it!" >>> >>> "Doggy style?" >>> >>> "Sure! Allah'u'Akbar!" >>> >>> "On the kitchen table?!" >>> >>> Yes, yes! Allah'u'Akbar!" >>> >>> "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a >>> bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of >>> honey and a porno video?" >>> >>> "You may indeed. Allah'u'Akbar!" >>> >>> "Can we do it standing up?" >>> >>> "No." says the Mullah." >>> >>> "Why not?" asks the man. >>> >>> "Because that could lead to dancing!" |
More of a Proverb...........
......... but its good (lots of folk will have heard this before) and it's classic:-
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they r and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path! |
Colonoscopy - been there, done that, got the hospital T shirt
If this joke was about a 1/2 English - 1/2 Irish Brit with a camera up his Bum, it would be about me!!
Thought you would enjoy these...THINGS SAID BY PATIENTS AT THEIR COLONOSCOPY! TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST..... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all.. 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife, saying that you've checked and my head is not up there?' |
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