& still I am pissing beer every 20 minutes so you can have another short joke
 

You WILL like this one - sums you up
 

The Global Facts ...

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.



You hang in there sunshine!

Can't be bothered with any more, so this will do for now
 

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you

have forwarded to me over the year.



I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat s**t in

the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top

of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings

because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in

the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in

their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who

wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long

lost relative of a customer who died intestate.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails

to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink

Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol

without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't

crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping

centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no

longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and

then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and

Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my bum. I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park

because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my

car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this

afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of

my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician. By the way....a South American scientist after a

lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough

sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking

it off now, it's too late.

Footnote: thing is, I'm going back to drinking Guinness, it's more satisfying somehow.
Only 97 short jokes and 188 videos in store + the backup external hard-drive (what the hell is on that?) to go.

That'll teach him to mow the lawn!
 

We have the standard 6ft.. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger
Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up
the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you
might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.

Wind up Joke
 

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says:

"In Sarth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"Yes, in London we have so many bladdy South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice! :innocent:

Oh, mustn't forget the Irish!
 

One day, an elderly Irish man lay on his death bed, bravely suffering the agonies of impending death, when he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies, wafting up the stairs.

As he knew he didn’t have long to go, he gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled and stumbled his way downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, lovingly spread out upon waxed paper, the kitchen table was literally covered with his all time favourite; home made chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? or a final act of love from his devoted Catholic wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world the happy and fulfilled man that he had always been?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, painfully landing on his knees in a crumpled position. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a tempting cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly rapped hard by his wife with a large wooden spoon, who viciously snapped………………………..

"Oi Feck off, dey're for your bloody funeral"

Short but sweet
 

Voluntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked
'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'
It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom...............

Apologies if this is already up in this thread. There are too many posts to trawl through to check

THERE ARE TWO BASIC TYPES OF YOGA

1. YOGA FROM INDIA

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/p...tcom/yoga1.jpg







AND
2. YOGA FROM GLASGOW

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/p...tcom/yoga2.jpg

Ha ha the jokes are back well heres a crap but clean oldie;

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint. The crews were MAROONED! ...

The future of Banks
 

If the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
When these two banks merge it would be run by ' bloody wankers '

as this threads been flagging!
 

A little boy is crying in an essex supermarket.

A man says to him, "What's up, son?"

The little boy replies, "I can't find mummy."

The man says, "What's mummy like?"

And the little boy replies, "Big c*cks and Bacardi Breezers."

Six Girls You Date in College
 

Six Girls You Date in College

‪Six Girls You Date in College‬‏ - YouTube

For those who haven't seen this........

Hello hello hello


......how things should be. :thumbup1: Must get back there one day!

Penguins are not mechanically inclined...
 

God stop me if you've heard this one

So, it was another hot day in the city, and Penguin decided to take his little rag-top out for a spin. Tooling around town, he passed a garage that had a sign out - "Diagnosis in one hour or your money back !" .... well Penguin pulled right over - as his car had been using oil lately, quite a bit to be sure, and he, being a Penguin, was not at all mechanically inclined and really had no clue as to why it used so much oil....and popped out of the car.
Into the garage he goes, and to the first mechanic he sees, he says "I have a problem with my car, it is using a lot of oil recently and I'm a Penguin, I'm not a mechanic, I have no clue as to why. Do you have time to look at it ?"
Well the mechanic looks down at his watch, and replies "Sure, you've come at a good time - I can have a look at it - seems like a pretty new car so shouldn't be hard to diagnose your problem."
"That's just great " replies Penguin, hands the keys to the mechanic, and says as he's going out the door "So' I'll be back in an hour then ?"
"Sure thing, see ya then"....
Off goes Penguin towards town for a little walkie...looking at the sights, smelling flowers, watching stupid pigeons begging for crumbs in the park, window shopping, etc...when he starts to fell a little 'peckish' - something for the tummy maybe would be a good thing - and so he strolls over to a sandwich shop and orders a tuna sandwich (remember he's a penguin)... to go .
After paying the nice lady, he walks outside, turns right, down to the pier he goes(did I mention he was at the sea shore ?) and scrapes the tuna off the bread, and eats it ...mmm, yummy...and breaks up the bread - tossing it to the seagulls yapping around his head.
Looking down at his watch he realises the hour is nearly up, so he turns around and heads on down to the garage....on the way passing an ice cream shop...hmmm...ice..."I'm a penguin" he muses to himself - so he walks in to have a look.
The girl behind the counter asks what he'd like, he replies :You got any snow cones ?"
... to which she replies, "Yes. what flavor would you like"
"I don't know....how about strawberry ?" he asks....
"Sure thing" she replies, and in a moment he's happily walking to the garage, pecking away at his snow cone.
As he rounds the corner, and steps out of the sunlight into the darkened garage, he spies the mechanic, who walks up to him - wiping his hands on a rag (don't all mechanics do this same thing) ; and the mechanic pipes up..
"I think I found your problem !"
"Oh ! Good" replies the Penguin, going back to his snowcone...slurping loudly.
"Looks like to me you blew a seal" says the mechanic...
...the Penguin looks up, spluttering "No, no..it's a strawberry snow cone"...

:oops2: