Just been to get a loaf of bread. It cost £1.03p. I offered the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change?"
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

Not many people know that, before his big speech, Martin Luther King had two dreams.

However, he chose not to talk about the one with the talking penguin in the top hat.

“Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cowboy.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“For about a Yeeee haaarrrr!!”

The main speech at the Haemorrhoid Conference was really exciting. I was on the edge of my seat.

What’s your favourite Rod Stewart song?
“I Don’t Want To Talk About It.”
Jeez, I was only asking.

Woke up this morning with a dead leg. No idea who it belongs to.

SON (By tree with apple on head): “Dad, what happened to my three brothers”
WILLIAM TELL (Aiming arrow): “Chicken Pox, now stand still.”

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach today, - and a lifetime ban from the lepidoptera section of the museum.

My wife likes me to blow on her in this hot weather, but I’m not a fan.

Anyone who hires my proof-reading services this month will enjoy a 50% discoсunt.

Do you know what they should have in Lidl? More vowels.

GOD: “How many more animals to create?”
ANGEL: “Two”
GOD: “OK, Done. How many legs we got left?”
ANGEL: “100”
CENTIPEDE: “Dibs!”
SNAKE: “Arѕehоle!”

My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft. He’s now just called ‘S’.

“How much for the pubе-grooming kit?”
“Sir, that’s a toothbrush.”
“Yeah, whatever. How much?”

“You forgot to bring the sun cream, - AGAIN!”
“OK, don’t rub it in.”

My dad always used to say “Take people as you find them”.
Only fair to point out, he was convicted on 15 counts of kidnapping.

My fiancé said she wanted me to provide her with a fairy tale life, so I’ve trapped her in her grandma’s bedroom with a wolf.

Before battles, William Wallace’s men used to display their bottoms painted with woad. Not often, just once in a blue moon.

In McDonalds:
“I’m so hungover man. I’m getting the shakes.”
“Cool. I’ll get the fries.”

Ever wondered what it’s like living on Mars? I tried it for 3 weeks once, - I put on two stone and got diabetes.

I don’t give a flying f**k about the Mile High Club.

“As a kid, I saw a spider in the bath. That image still haunts me.”
“Big spider, eh?”
“No. My gran was also in the bath.”

Advice for those on their travels:

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....




Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

In the Grand National, I bet on 3 losing horses: - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times. I don’t blame the horses, I blame it on the bookie.

Job Interview
“Describe yourself in one word?”
“Not good at following instructions.”

There are ll types of people in the world. Those who understand Roman numerals and those who don’t.

Don’t believe Rihanna! I made the mistake of actually trying to stand under her umbrella (ella ella) and her bodyguards kicked the SHÍТ out of me.

“You should stop over-analysing everything I say.”
“So what you’re saying is that I’m annoying?”

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Stop throwing your opponent’s scrabble tiles out the window. You’ll have someone’s ‘i’ out if you’re not careful.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“what?”
“You’re supposed to shout A CURE FOR APATHY!”
“whatever.”

The Queen has paid tribute to the code-breakers of World War II. In a heartfelt address she said “ii}h??// 37@^^al%.

I can never reach high enough to catch a frisbee because I don’t understand the aerodynamics of the thing. It’s way over my head.

FACT: Sushi is Japanese for ‘broken oven’.

FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer.
And Autumn.

I didn’t realise that I had to measure my fluid intake exactly on this strict diet. That’s a real weigh cup call.

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I SURE DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!



DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

I was at the doctors and I told him "I'm can't stop thinking about giants and I find them very scary."

He said "It sounds like Feefiephobia."

I just swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. I just can’t believe the currant exchange rate.


It looks cold, I’ll need my coat.

"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.

One for the British readers:

Never ignore the power of punctuation.

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

If the British Prime Minister makes it to the 31st of next month, will it be the end of May?

Two letters but once again IF is shown to be a big word.

Those are terrible Jay... you and Tim Vine need to get a room ;o)

Top stuff!

Jx