Listen, you won't be hearing from me for a while... The police are investigating me for stealing swimming pool inflatables... I gotta lilo.

Well I appear to have given the police the slip so I am back again.

I don't know what I'd do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

I have just realised that I must have married Google. Every time I start asking something she tries to finish it for me. :(

An English cat and a French cat decide to have a race and swim the English Channel. The English cat and was called One two Three and French was called Un Deux Trois. Which won?











The English cat because Un Deux Trois quatre cinq.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "One strong hand and a drinking problem."

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams film? “Mrs Fire”.

David Hasselhoff has decided to change his name to David Hof. He said in an interview that he could do without the Hassle.

Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said, “No, I’m not.”

“How about LS?” they asked. I replied, “No.” Then they asked, “What about JD?”

I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” They said, “No, these are just initial inquiries.”

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fitted perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fitted perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

My computer froze on me today and I kept getting images of dancing New Zealand rugby players flashing on to the screen.

I think I've been targeted by a Computer Hakka

“Unexpected item in the bagging area.” Fine to hear in Tesco. Not what any man wants to hear from his doctor.

I used to be DJ at Stonehenge but I no longer mix in those circles.

SHARK!!!!!______________/\____________\o/___

I tried to buy a ventriloquist’s dummy, but it was already spoken for.

“Doctor, I keep getting people’s jobs wrong.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah, and a pound of carrots please, mate.”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there’s no fưcking money in there.

Why sob silently? Use a megaphone for crying out loud!

Dictionary definition: Tool hire (n) – Business specialising in the rental of Apprentice candidates.

Someone’s inscribed the word “gullible” on a diamond and put it inside that massive dog shıt over there. Check it out.

My son kicked off and accused me of taking his school sports day too seriously. I think it was just the steroids talking.

Don’t you hate it when people tell you what to do when you’re driving. I normally tell them to pıss off. And then I fail my test.

I spent two hours last night wondering how to remove the pasta stuck to the kitchen ceiling. And then the penne dropped.

My wife left me because I’m “too patronising”. Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word.

I’m selling all my Biblical memorabilia on eBay. Not John the Baptist’s accessories though. That would be prophet earring.

Richard Hammond has three names for his penıs: 1) Little Richard, 2) Hammond Organ, 3) Jeremy Clarkson.

My wife has just started going through the change. It’s going to be really weird calling her Dave.

“Jesus loves you.” A welcome sentiment in church, but a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

As a pub quiz fan, I find my poor knowledge of Greek mythology is my Achilles elbow.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please".