I paid this carpenter in advance to make me a double bed; but now he's done a bunk.

A farmer and his wife are preparing for their 50th wedding anniversary dinner.

"Albert, should I go out in the yard and kill a chicken?"

"Oh, come on, Phyllis. We can hardly blame a chicken for something that happened fifty years ago."

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "Are you an alcoholic? You walk into a lot of bars."

The horse replies: "I don't think I am", and vanishes in a puff of smoke.

This was, of course, an example of putting Descartes before the horse.

Went to the worst pub ever today called The Fiddle.

What a vile inn!!

A plumber was called to a law office to unblock a toilet. After several attempts to unblock it with conventional tools, he searched outside until a found a long stick which did the trick. Apparently, he found a legal loo pole.

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl.

“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tigger?”

I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

Copyright - Olaf Falafel at Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2019

My teacher said to me "Name something beginning with N that you’re not very good at."

I said" Spelling."

I was recently thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia through Ebay. Imagine all the paypal !

"I am not saying my wife's cakes are heavy, but our oven is bow-legged. We threw some out for the birds and they threw them back."

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe and if you remove it you get gravy.

An old man living by a forest started to lose his hair, he called his children to a meeting.

He said "Look my hair is gone, it can't be saved, but sooner or later this forest will be as bald as my head, and what I want you to do is when a tree is cut down or dies, is plant a new one in my memory, and get your descendants to do the same".

They did that, and the forest remained just because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Why is it that dyslexia is such a hard word to spell?
And is it a coincidence that DNA is the abbreviation for the National Dyslexia Association?

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre...

I was mugged today and had my wallet stolen. The bloke hit me from behind, I went down and didn't even see him, just caught the back of him as he ran off.

I told the police that all I knew about him was that he was a vegan. "How did you know that if you didn't even get a look at him?", asked the copper.

I replied, "He told me as he ran off".