A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

I was in Starbucks yesterday.

The barista serving me had some kind of face mask on.

“Is that a surgical mask?” I asked.

“No” she replied, “It’s a coughy filter.”

A man was driving down the road when his car suddenly stopped, he'd ran out of petrol.

Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

Astonished, the man replied, "I'm out of petrol."

The bee told the man to undo his petrol cap and wait right there, and he flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed.

"What did you put in my petrol tank"?

The bee answered, "BP"

Handy Hints to keep you safe in the age of Corona virus.

1) Avoid Facebook.

it's called social media distancing.

A penguin is riding his bike one day when he notices it's leaking oil all over the road. Fortunately, it happened near a bike shop. He dropped it off at the shop, and the mechanic said it should take a few hours.

The penguin decided to go for lunch. He stopped at a diner and ordered a tuna sandwich, with extra mayo.

After a few hours he wandered back to the shop. He went inside and approached the mechanic who said- Well, it looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin stopped, thought for a minute, wiped his beak with his wing and said- Oh no, that's just mayonnaise.

My local baker is retiring soon. He makes the best eclairs ever. There will be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two - one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis.

LADDER! I meant ladder!

Doctor: I'm sorry, your dad was pronounced dead.

Son: I can't believe I've been saying it wrong this whole time!

Do you know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy

A school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of Year-8 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. All very amusing.

So, every night the cleaner would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back . Finally the Head decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the cleaner to show the girls how much effort was required which he duly did.

He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and ........then.......there are educators

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, DVR, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was blowing a hoolie, so I couldn't go out of my bike.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

The 'rona.
 

So many local businesses struggling with the 'rona isolation.

The local lingerie shop has gone tits up.
A mining company has gone under.
A food processor manufacturer has gone into liquidation.
The fridge shop has had its assets frozen.
The key cutter got locked down.
The origami book shop folded.
The watchmaker called time on it.
The satellite dish installer called in the receivers.
The dog kennels called in the retrievers.
The IVF clinic called in the conceivers.
The church called in the redeemers.
The shoe repairers had been resold, was getting down at heel anyway and finally was given the boot.
And the kayak maker is right up Sh*t Creek without a paddle.

There seems to be no end to it.
At least the local electrician is pretty well insulated from it all.

Do you find that when one door closes, another one opens?
Then you're probably in prison.

When I heard about the oxygen molecule getting it on with the magnesium molecule, I was like, OMg!