Q. What do you call the little plastic box on the end of a satellite dish?
A. A Council house.

Q. What do militant feminists call the useless, redundant piece of skin on the end of a penis?
A. A man.

My uncle was crushed by a piano...

His funeral was very low key.

Ba dum tss

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for the Vaseline Company. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. She said. "My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty and since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all."

"My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out"

In Middle Earth’s Library, some language books are popular, others not. Orcish & Entish are still on the bookshelf, but Elvish has left the building.

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Some people say that I have a cynical attitude to politicians. I say I just try to make accurate observations.

I swear my Tourettes is getting worse.

Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of ‘beaucoup’, - it means a lot.

WIFE: “I’m leaving! I can’t take any more frog puns.”
ME: “Sorry, I know they can be a tad polarizing.”
WIFE: “See!”
ME: “That’s a toadal overreaction.”

Self-defence tip: If you’re attacked by street performers, go straight for the juggler.

Maternity ward:
MIDWIFE: “I suggest epidural anaesthesia.”
ME: “Thanks, but we’ve already picked a name.”

The prize for the ‘Most Garlicky Breath’ this year will be awarded post-hummusly.

DEAR DEIRDRE, It upsets me watching ‘Game of Thrones’ with my parents, with all that sex going on?
DEAR WORRIED, Just ignore them & turn the sound up?

I was very embarrassed when I took the wrong factor sun cream on holiday. Boy, was my face red!

I’ve created a webpage for glaucoma sufferers.
It’s a site for sore eyes.

Limerick Man tweets:
There’s something I’m glad to confess,
My musical is a success.
Picture the scene,
Welsh dog with the queen.
I’m calling it ‘Corgi and Bess’.

My wife said if she finds me on a pоrn site again, she’ll bang my head against the fúсkіng keyboarcchhijdd&asdfjkluvngggdtjksfnjkqwetyrb!w

An ice-cream van drove into the back of my car yesterday. I think I’ve got Mr Whippylash.

3 things I learned today:
1. What my fiancé actually wanted was to see me in a sports bar.
2. I’m dyslexic
3. I look great in a sports bra.

FARM BOSS: “There’s a report you’re stealing cow manure for your garden.”
ME: “That’s bullѕhít.”
BOSS: “We prefer the technical term but you’re still fired.”

This Mars bar says it’s “made in a factory where nuts are handled.” I don’t mind what they do in their breaks as long as they wash their hands.

“My wife’s gone to Oslo.”
“Norway?”
“Yes way!”

I want a camper van. The one I’ve got isn’t camp enough.

In Ann Summers:
“Is this the biggest vіbrаtor you sell?”
“Madam, that’s my thermos flask.”
“Yeah, whatever, I’ll take two.

I don’t understand voluntary work. I wouldn’t work for nothing if you paid me.

ANGEL: “I think you should stop designing now. You’ve had a lot to drink.”
GOD: “Stop fussing, I’m fine. What’s next?”
ANGEL: “A platypus.”
GOD: “Cool. Let’s do this.”

Pre-natal Baby Scan:
Nurse: “Want me to tell you the sex?”
Me: “Nah, we’re pretty sure it was that night after the rugby club dance.”

I first met my wife on the Net. We were both rubbish trapeze artists.

My addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.

“Dad’s away píѕѕіng it up at a Scottish football do at Fir Park.”
“Motherwell?”
“Fine, but she’s hopping mad at the old man.”

“No, I am NOT pleased to see you and it’s NOT a lip salve in my pocket you cheeky bítch.”

Firing Squad
SERGEANT: “READY!”
“FIRE!”
(Bullets go everywhere, condemned man untouched)
SERGEANT: “Dammit, it’s ‘aim’, I forgot to say ‘aim’ again.”

I went to a launch party for a range cooker where the staff wore black lace and handed out pineapples and ground coffee.
It was an Aga do.

WAITER: “Are you kidding me? You’re only leaving me a 5p tip?”
ME: “I only enjoyed the lettuce, so that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

She sells sea shells on the sea shore…where they’re FREE and READILY AVAILABLE. Shít business model,- you’re fired.
Lord Sugar to Apprentice.

NEIGHBOUR: “How was the holiday?”
ME: “Lovely. Are you going away?”
NEIGHBOUR: “We’re skiing in Switz…”
ME: “No, I mean will you please fúсk off.”

Whenever I’m in a Chinese restaurant, I always ask for the fortune cookie first. Just in case it says anything about food poisoning.

Poll for the Ladies:
Have you ever faked an оrgаѕm?
a) No
b) Yes
c) YES!
d) YESSSSS!!!

I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down hard on the pedal. Turned out she’d seen a bin open like that before.

ME: “Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
WAITRESS: “The men I please are none of your damn business!”

“If I’m guilty of anything, your honour, it’s that I care too much for others. That, and embezzlement….doh.”

“My mum burnt her bra in the 60s.”
“Part of the feminist movement?”
“No, chip pan fire.”

Somebody said there’s a photo of a real vampire in today’s newspapers, but I can’t see it in the Mirror.

ME: “I’m terrified speaking in public.”
THERAPIST: “Just imagine they’re naked.”
(Later, on stage)
ME: “…any questions? Yes, you with the weird díck.”

Willie Nelson, - great singer, devastating wrestling hold.

Last night I made a Belgian waffle. Today I made a Frenchman talk bóllосks.

My Prawn Madras just spoke to me saying, “Your thoughts on the Syrian conflict are banal and imperialist at best.” (Indian food has never agreed with me).

I am not sure what is the best thing about Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus.

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space no one can. Here, use cream.

Recently a man was killed by a crocodile on his Australian honeymoon. The Police said he didn't suffer for long - he was only married for 10 days ....

I'm in a new band called 1023 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet

I hear that the bloke who invented Knock Knock jokes is up for a Nobel prize.

My dog used to chase people on a push bike, so I hid his bike.

I assume that no one else here is a flat earther otherwise a round the world trip would be little dull.

Anyway, I was kicked out of a Facebook Flat Earth group.

All I asked was whether the 2m social distancing guidelines had put anyone over the edge yet!

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a man whose wife never bitched, whined or nagged.

But it was a long time ago, and only that once.