My wife said to me the other day, 'do you prefer an intelligent woman, or a beautiful one?'

I said 'neither, my love, I prefer you'.

I read the other day that we only ever use 15% of our brains.

I wonder what we do with the other three-quarters?

I used to have a job as an accountant, from the age of 20 to the age 29, when I was sacked without any good reason.

I thought to myself, well, I wasted the best 14 years of my life there.

Over to you, Jay Benson.

Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah mate, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asks.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And with that the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ?I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by before the golfer is back. At the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and when he goes to retrieve his ball, the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

T'was me that made ye hit the ball here, the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?

My game is fantastic! the golfer answers? I'm an internationally famous golfer now. He adds, By the way, it's good to see you're all right.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, says the leprechaun? You know, it was me that made your golf game improve. So tell me, how's yer money situation?

Why, it's just wonderful! the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!

'I did that fer ye also,' smiles the leprechaun. ?And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now, urged the Leprechaun, I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.

What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish....?

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.

I'm on the highway to Hull!

I failed my entry exam to the Psychics Academy, I'm afraid.

I don't know what the examiners were thinking.

An Englishman, and Australian and a Scotsman were playing golf one day, and their English, Australian and Scots wives accompanied them as caddies.

At the sixth tee, the Englishman's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Englishman wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out a fifty pound note and told her to go and buy the finest Janet Regers she could find.

At the seventh tee, the Australian's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Australian wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out two dollars and told her to go and buy a five-pack from Target.

At the eighth tee, the Scotsman's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Scotsman wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out a comb and told he she should at least tidy herself up a bit.

I've started telling everyone about the health benefits of dried grapes.

It is all about raisin awareness.

This Halloween I'm sending the kids out Track "n Tracing.

.."Would you believe it, at 2.30am my neihbour came knocking on my door quite aggressively, luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes"....!!!

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk

The definition of a Scottish Gentleman is one who can play bagpipes, but doesn't. Or should that be 'disnae'?

And what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings and Walt disnae.

Good grief - this thread was on page 2. No new posts since mid November.

Anyway:

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, ‘I think I might be a type O.’

A man walks into the Doctors and says 'Dr I think I've got a hereditary disease as I've got terrible Diarrhoea'

The Dr says 'Diarrhoea isn't hereditary' and the chap replies 'Well its in my Jeans'