One sami guy to the other: What did you to your wife last year on your wedding anniversary? I took her up to a log cabin high up into the mountains said the other. And what are you gonna do this year the first guy said? This year I will bring her down again...

The 'Flat Earth Society' has members all around the globe you know.....!!!

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A visiting dignitary was being shown around the local hospital.
He walked up to one bed and the patient said

'Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi’ bickering brattle!'

The visitor smiled, somewhat perplexed and walked on to the next bed where the patient said

'O would some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us.'

The visitor grinned weakly and walked to the next bed, where the third patient said

'Some hae meat and canna eat, -- And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.'

'Is this the Mental Health Ward?', the visitor asked the doctor.

'No', said the doctor, 'it's the Burns Unit'.

A guy rings a horse dealer and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. He tells the dealer his friend is a little man with a speech impediment

So, the chap shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth, pleeth."

So he shows him a prized horse.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The guy picks up the little man and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little man up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty pisssed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twaat?"

Totally pisssed off now the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twaat, pulls him out and places him on the ground.

The chap gets up, sputtering and coughing and says

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

CEOs of Guinness, Foster and Budweiser are having dinner together after a brewing conference.
They all order nice steaks, Cuban Cigars, etc. CEO of Foster orders Foster, Australian for Beer. CEO of Budweiser orders Budweiser, king of Beers. CEO of Guinness orders bottle of expensive red wine.
The others ask if he wouldn't like to order Guinness? "Nah", he says, "I'm not going to be the only one of us drinking beer."

Good joke, but Aussies don't actually drink Fosters, it seems to all go to export, and bloody good riddance too.

Complete sidetrack, what's Australian for foreplay?
"Brace yourself Sheila, it's going to be haard and faast."

What's Tasmanian for foreplay?
"You awake, Mum?"

Is it true that New Zealanders have un-natural relations with sheep?
Of course it's true, where do you think Australians come from?

I see that Novaxx Djokovic is going for the world record in being eliminated from a tennis grand slam event by missing just 2 shots.

Baldness runs in our family. My great grandfather invented a little machine to make his own wigs. It has been passed down to my grandfather, my father, and now I have it.






It's our family hair loom.

In the UK there was a comedian called Tommy Cooper. These are a couple of his quotes:

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”

The First Law of Mechanical Repair:
Once your hands are properly covered in grease your nose will itch and you will need to pee.

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in the News section or joke section. Anyway, this isn’t a joke but the news in Cornwall.

I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks....

Five surgeons are being interviewed for an article in The Lancet. The journalist was asking them who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, sez: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Tory Cabinet Ministers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine. Moreover, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

Not really a joke, but a fun (true) story:
-----------------

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we'll both be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? ... Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.