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16 Nov 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MEZ
.."Would you believe it, at 2.30am my neihbour came knocking on my door quite aggressively, luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes"....!!!
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The definition of a Scottish Gentleman is one who can play bagpipes, but doesn't. Or should that be 'disnae'?
And what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings and Walt disnae.
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3 Jan 2021
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Good grief - this thread was on page 2. No new posts since mid November.
Anyway:
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, ‘I think I might be a type O.’
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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3 Jan 2021
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bristol UK
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A man walks into the Doctors and says 'Dr I think I've got a hereditary disease as I've got terrible Diarrhoea'
The Dr says 'Diarrhoea isn't hereditary' and the chap replies 'Well its in my Jeans'
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4 Jan 2021
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Back into the hamster wheel again, in Oslo - Norway. Did a 5 year RTW trip/250 k kms, 2014-2019
Posts: 1,551
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One sami guy to the other: What did you to your wife last year on your wedding anniversary? I took her up to a log cabin high up into the mountains said the other. And what are you gonna do this year the first guy said? This year I will bring her down again...
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18 Apr 2021
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Location: Gateshead N/E
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The 'Flat Earth Society' has members all around the globe you know.....!!!
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17 Jun 2021
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A visiting dignitary was being shown around the local hospital.
He walked up to one bed and the patient said
'Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi’ bickering brattle!'
The visitor smiled, somewhat perplexed and walked on to the next bed where the patient said
'O would some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us.'
The visitor grinned weakly and walked to the next bed, where the third patient said
'Some hae meat and canna eat, -- And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.'
'Is this the Mental Health Ward?', the visitor asked the doctor.
'No', said the doctor, 'it's the Burns Unit'.
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18 Jun 2021
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A guy rings a horse dealer and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. He tells the dealer his friend is a little man with a speech impediment
So, the chap shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth, pleeth."
So he shows him a prized horse.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
The guy picks up the little man and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little man up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty pisssed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twaat?"
Totally pisssed off now the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twaat, pulls him out and places him on the ground.
The chap gets up, sputtering and coughing and says
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"
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20 Jun 2021
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CEOs of Guinness, Foster and Budweiser are having dinner together after a brewing conference.
They all order nice steaks, Cuban Cigars, etc. CEO of Foster orders Foster, Australian for Beer. CEO of Budweiser orders Budweiser, king of Beers. CEO of Guinness orders bottle of expensive red wine.
The others ask if he wouldn't like to order Guinness? "Nah", he says, "I'm not going to be the only one of us drinking  ."
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14 Sep 2021
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HM Magnusson
CEOs of Guinness, Foster and Budweiser are having dinner together after a brewing conference.
They all order nice steaks, Cuban Cigars, etc. CEO of Foster orders Foster, Australian for Beer. CEO of Budweiser orders Budweiser, king of Beers. CEO of Guinness orders bottle of expensive red wine.
The others ask if he wouldn't like to order Guinness? "Nah", he says, "I'm not going to be the only one of us drinking ." |
Good joke, but Aussies don't actually drink Fosters, it seems to all go to export, and bloody good riddance too.
Complete sidetrack, what's Australian for foreplay?
"Brace yourself Sheila, it's going to be haard and faast."
What's Tasmanian for foreplay?
"You awake, Mum?"
Is it true that New Zealanders have un-natural relations with sheep?
Of course it's true, where do you think Australians come from?
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9 Jan 2022
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I see that Novaxx Djokovic is going for the world record in being eliminated from a tennis grand slam event by missing just 2 shots.
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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31 Mar 2022
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Baldness runs in our family. My great grandfather invented a little machine to make his own wigs. It has been passed down to my grandfather, my father, and now I have it.
It's our family hair loom.
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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8 Apr 2022
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In the UK there was a comedian called Tommy Cooper. These are a couple of his quotes:
“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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8 Sep 2022
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The First Law of Mechanical Repair:
Once your hands are properly covered in grease your nose will itch and you will need to pee.
__________________
You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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12 Feb 2023
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I wasn’t sure whether to put this in the News section or joke section. Anyway, this isn’t a joke but the news in Cornwall.
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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22 Sep 2023
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I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks....
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You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
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Check the RAW segments; Grant, your HU host is on every month!
Episodes below to listen to while you, err, pretend to do something or other...
2020 Edition of Chris Scott's Adventure Motorcycling Handbook.
"Ultimate global guide for red-blooded bikers planning overseas exploration. Covers choice & preparation of best bike, shipping overseas, baggage design, riding techniques, travel health, visas, documentation, safety and useful addresses." Recommended. (Grant)
Led by special operations veterans, Stanford Medicine affiliated physicians, paramedics and other travel experts, Ripcord is perfect for adventure seekers, climbers, skiers, sports enthusiasts, hunters, international travelers, humanitarian efforts, expeditions and more.
Ripcord Rescue Travel Insurance™ combines into a single integrated program the best evacuation and rescue with the premier travel insurance coverages designed for adventurers and travel is covered on motorcycles of all sizes.
(ONLY US RESIDENTS and currently has a limit of 60 days.)
Ripcord Evacuation Insurance is available for ALL nationalities.
What others say about HU...
"This site is the BIBLE for international bike travelers." Greg, Australia
"Thank you! The web site, The travels, The insight, The inspiration, Everything, just thanks." Colin, UK
"My friend and I are planning a trip from Singapore to England... We found (the HU) site invaluable as an aid to planning and have based a lot of our purchases (bikes, riding gear, etc.) on what we have learned from this site." Phil, Australia
"I for one always had an adventurous spirit, but you and Susan lit the fire for my trip and I'll be forever grateful for what you two do to inspire others to just do it." Brent, USA
"Your website is a mecca of valuable information and the (video) series is informative, entertaining, and inspiring!" Jennifer, Canada
"Your worldwide organisation and events are the Go To places to for all serious touring and aspiring touring bikers." Trevor, South Africa
"This is the answer to all my questions." Haydn, Australia
"Keep going the excellent work you are doing for Horizons Unlimited - I love it!" Thomas, Germany
Lots more comments here!
Every book a diary
Every chapter a day
Every day a journey
Refreshingly honest and compelling tales: the hights and lows of a life on the road. Solo, unsupported, budget journeys of discovery.
Authentic, engaging and evocative travel memoirs, overland, around the world and through life.
All 8 books available from the author or as eBooks and audio books
Back Road Map Books and Backroad GPS Maps for all of Canada - a must have!
New to Horizons Unlimited?
New to motorcycle travelling? New to the HU site? Confused? Too many options? It's really very simple - just 4 easy steps!
Horizons Unlimited was founded in 1997 by Grant and Susan Johnson following their journey around the world on a BMW R80G/S.
Read more about Grant & Susan's story
Membership - help keep us going!
Horizons Unlimited is not a big multi-national company, just two people who love motorcycle travel and have grown what started as a hobby in 1997 into a full time job (usually 8-10 hours per day and 7 days a week) and a labour of love. To keep it going and a roof over our heads, we run events all over the world with the help of volunteers; we sell inspirational and informative DVDs; we have a few selected advertisers; and we make a small amount from memberships.
You don't have to be a Member to come to an HU meeting, access the website, or ask questions on the HUBB. What you get for your membership contribution is our sincere gratitude, good karma and knowing that you're helping to keep the motorcycle travel dream alive. Contributing Members and Gold Members do get additional features on the HUBB. Here's a list of all the Member benefits on the HUBB.
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helps answer the question - Why Go? Inspirational stories by veteran travellers Greg Frazier (5 times RTW), Peter and Kay Forwood (193 countries), Tiffany Coates (Mongolia Mayhem) and Rene Cormier (University of Gravel Roads).
Get Ready! covers planning, paperwork, medical and many other topics! "Inspirational and Awesome!" See the trailer here!
What stuff do I need - riding gear, clothing, camping gear, first aid kit, tires, maps and GPS? What don't I need? How do I pack it all in? Lots of opinions from over 150 travellers!
Ladies on the Loose! For the first time ever, a motorcycle travel DVD made for women, by women! These intrepid women share their tips to help you plan your own motorcycle adventure. They also answer the women-only questions, and entertain you with amazing tales from the road! Presented by Lois Pryce, veteran solo traveller through South America and Africa and author of 'Lois on the Loose', and 'Red Tape and White Knuckles.'
Cotton or synth sweat-wicking t-shirts with the cool Horizons Unlimited graphic on the front and a snappy slogan (changing every year) on the back.
Show your route on your panniers. Great conversation starter when you meet people on the road!
Motorcycle and travel books to inspire and inform you!
The definitive guide to planning your motorcycle adventure! This insanely ambitious 2-year project has produced an informative and entertaining 5-part, 18 hour video series. "The ultimate round the world rider's how-to!" MCN UK.
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