Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

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'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.

If I wasn't laughing so much, I'd be INDIGNANT at the shamelessly sexist jokes on here...
I'll be back.

(DAKOTA - some HELP please!)

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In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said

"It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used."

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Ok, here goes:

Why do so few men die in their sleep??



Well when was the last time YOU saw a man do two things at once??

Cheers!

Nigel in NZ

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The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with . -- 2200 BC Egyptian inscription

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

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Why is it difficult to find men who are good looking AND can fix your bike? They all already have boyfriends.

---00000000000000--

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news."

Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"

"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

---0000000000---


Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

How do you keep your boyfriend from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your boyfriend?
Miss her.
Pity her.

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Why do men prefer beauty to brains?
Because they can see better than they can think.

A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman sitting alone at another table.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there,"

indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply


note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank,


and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a


Porsche Turbo in my garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back."

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Dean

Hi. You’ve probably seen this before but still raises a chuckle. Regards,

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

There’s also Igiva Schitt (“do I look like Igiva Schitt?”).

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Dean

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in
here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

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Dave

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous..
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.?ï¿?A couple of minutes later , she was beginning to feel the pain again.ï¿?This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer....rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled,! 'Dam mit Skippy!'?ï¿?Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

__________________
'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says.... 'We'll have a new one.'

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'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.

MAGIC BEER

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the , jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of , jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that
she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender,
"Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the , jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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Dave

Nice one! I agree!