Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the car!"

__________________
Dave

http://jbreck.com/itsshardtokiss.html

__________________
Dave

The Pasta Diet
>> ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
>> 1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
>> 2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
>> 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
>> 4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
>>
>> You will lose weight!
>> AND......
>> CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
>> For those of you who watch what you eat,
>> here's the final word on nutrition and health.
>> It's a relief to know the truth
>> after all those conflicting
>> nutritional studies.
>> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
>>
>> and suffer fewer heart attacks than
>> Americans.
>> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
>>
>> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
>>
>> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
>>
>> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>> 5. The Germans drink a lot of s and eat lots of sausages
>>and fats
>>
>> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>> CONCLUSION
>> Eat and drink what you like.
>> Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

__________________
Dave

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you
start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for
High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

__________________
Dave

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. The landlord says "you can't bring that thing in here - it's dangerous". "No it's not and I'll prove it" says the man .
So he unzips his trousers, puts his privates in the crocs' mouth and slaps it on the head - see safe as anything - does anyone else want a go?

Little old lady in the corner says "I'll have a go but don't hit me so hard"

__________________
Chris
-----------------
"Never have a stupid argument with an idiot - he gets a lot more practice than you"
there I go again
not too hard really

TODDLER MIRACLE DIET

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is
that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation Diet), you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed
that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in this new diet.

You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,otherwise, you may
be seeing him afterwards.

GoodLuck!!!

***********

DAY ONE

BREAKFAST: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites
of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest On the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then
smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

LUNCH: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3
sips only, then spill the rest).

DINNER: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

BEDTIME SNACK: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

***********

DAY TWO

BREAKFAST: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of
vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

LUNCH: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful Of Purina Dog Chow (any
flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

AFTERNOON SNACK: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop
on rug.

DINNER: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

***********

DAY THREE

BREAKFAST: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

LUNCH: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto
the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

DINNER: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh
some punch through your nose, if possible.

***********

FINAL DAY

BREAKFAST: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour
a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

LUNCH: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker
and finish eating it.

DINNER: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick
of mascara for dessert.

__________________
Dave

a man who has just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. the mortician ask's the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. he points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
the widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. she gives the mortician a blank cheque and says "i dont care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing".
the woman returns the next day for the wake. to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; "the suit fits him perfectly" she says to the mortician, "whatever this cost, i'm very satisfied and you did an excellent job and i'm very grateful. how much did you spend?"
to her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
"there's no charge" he says.
"no, really, i must compensate you for the cost of the exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. you see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
i asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"so i switched the heads" !

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on a course MUST be approved by the owner of a hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.



10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players should be advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.



12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.



13. Slow play is encouraged! However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.



14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.



15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.



16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

__________________
'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

__________________
Dave

Dear Agony Aunt,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cellphone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

__________________
Dave

Reassurance for those who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, " which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

__________________
Dave

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual..'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff....... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'


And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

__________________
Dave

some of the late great chic murrays jokes .
in these harsh times for the economy , what is the tyre industry doing about inflation .
i never give a woman a second thought , my first covers everything .
what use is happiness ? it can,t buy you money .
it,s a small world , but i would,nt want to paint it .
my ex girlfriends a redhead , no hair , just a red head .
i met a cowboy with a brown paper hat,paper shirt, and paper trousers , he,s wanted for rustling .
i was stopped by the police on the M1 , they said it was a spot check , i admitted to two pimples and a boil .
i got a terrible puncture at a fork in the road .
i drew a gun , he drew a gun , soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns .
cannibals discovered long ago , how best to serve their fellow men .

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

__________________
Dave

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
>
>
>
> Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
>
> 10 men and 1 woman.
>
> The rope was not strong enough to carry them
>
> all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
>
> because otherwise they were all going to fall.
>
> They weren't able to choose that person,
>
> until the woman gave a very touching speech.
>
> She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
>
> as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
>
> husband and kids or for men in general, and was
>
> used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
>
> As soon as she finished her speech,
>
> all the men started clapping .......
>
>
>
> SEND THIS E-MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO
>
> THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO *~*SMILE*~* ABOUT
>
> TODAY !!
>
> I just did....:-)

__________________
Dave