Great comment!

If you can't compromise the duration of travel and travel without her for shorter periods of time, and she doesn't want to go at all, and you really want to go as bad as it sounds, then I'd seriously considering splitting up. YOu have not stayed together that long to grow real roots together, nor do you have commitments in the shape of children.

I do however firmly believe that duration of travel does not dictate the degree of adventure. The Dakar rally for instance is 9.000km in 14 days...You can have a lot of Adventure in a month or two, and you can also connect the dots arround the world even if you divide your trip up in many smaller trips. But I do agree that there is something special about being away for a long time. My only point is that if this woman is very important to you, then maybe rearranging your priorities will not sound as bad, and may even give you some of the best of both worlds. Are there for instance other types of adventures, lasting 1-2 months, that could come close to staying away for a year? But, it sounds to me as you have made up your mind allready...

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Thanks guys...Allot of good advice here.

I sat down with her last night and we've made a small compromise. We're going to travel Southern Europe instead and retrace some of the bits we liked when we did the trip sometime back.

Were going to go on our OWN bikes meaning she can pack as much makeup, clean knickers and hairdryers as she likes and stay in hotels too

Its not the trip i dreamt of and South America is still firmly in my heart but I hope by doing this trip, she will gain confidence and the joy of riding her own bike with her own luggage (instead of trying to share everything on one bike and being a pillion), and then ease her into a longer South American adventure.

This way we'l have the bikes, the gear and the experience and hopefully she will have shaken all her fears and inhabitions.

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Did some trips.
Rode some bikes.
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Can't say anymore.

Good call! Ease in the experience, up the confidence, and you will sooner or later have your will.

Go a little out of your way making it a great experience for her, like giving her massages after long rides, doing some great dining out, see some great sites, travel shorter legs with longer stop overs, take a greater share of chores, having patience with her, etc., and she will come to love it in due time, no doubt (I mean, how can one not?). Also, all the cred she will get from folks back home, and people she meet along the way, surely should make her want to up the anty the next time about. She will not only come to enjoy it, but she will come to feel proud and cool!

Although she might not admit it, she might be concerned about all sorts of perceived risks, dangers and nuiances, etc., making her want to stay at home. We live in a day and age where most westerners have become overly paranoid with every conceivable risk known to man, trying to eliminate them all, and create a risk free world for us to live in. I'm a firm believer that this focus makes us perceive even the remotest of threats as iminent and very likely to occur unless serious precautions are taken. Also, the adventurers' perogative of bending truths about ones adventures, to make their achievement seem more exceptional in the eyes of others, simply doesn't add to the confidence of newbies.

I suggest you get her a bike as soon as possible and ease in the riding bit, doing many short trips at home before leaving, making sure each and every trip has a "safe" scenic route with something enjoyable at the end, like a BBQ at the beach. In the beginning, until she gains experience, she might be more affraid and negative than ever, but this will pass if you can keep her riding and make sure she gets rewarded. Also, maybe arming yourself with some good arguments and statistics would be a good idea, to ease in to conversations? Maybe also some bike to bike communication would releave some insecurity the first thousand kilometers or so?

I'd also consider buying her some litterature, not just the handbook and travellers guide types, but also some great books that successfully romanticises chicks on motorcycle trips/adventures. Entertainment and romance is the key, not action, fear, struggles and adventure. Place a post where you ask our fellow female riders which book will likely get her turned on.

But, be careful not to go overboard, putting on too much pressure on her. The clue is to slowly reduce her fears and increasing her biking lusts, through positive experiences, dealing with false convictions, and by putting dreams into her head.

As for me, I suck at all this as I'm the most impatient person I know, but I really do try hard with my wife, and it seems to work. Now she is taking her licence, with her test June 30th, and coming with me to Africa a week later (if she passes her test, which hopefully she will). I spendt more than a year actively trying to convince her... maybe I should have followed my own advice, to ease it in?

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Maybe buying her the adventure motorcycle book got her spooked lol.

Its going to be a while before we get away, over a year as we need to save big time. I suppose South America will be a year or so after....
I just hope i dont let my dream turn into a memory.

WOMEN... who'd have em.

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Did some trips.
Rode some bikes.
Fix them for a living.
Can't say anymore.

This reply says it all really. Close that particular chapter in your life, and pack your panniers. You're both right about how you want to live. Better to find this out now before you get established together. However, it won't be easy to do.

At first it sounded like a hell of a lot that you were willing to give up for a new relationship and a gal that didn't really understand the drive that had you planning and preparing and studying for 12 months, the personal investment that was going to allow you to escape the concrete jungle, and find meaning in the green one, being moulded by all of the amazing experiences.

It's complicated when your head is full of thoughts of the future and trying to predict outcomes, if I do A, then possibly B will result in 12 months time. And compromise is always a tricky one... there is always one of the two that stands to give up/postpone more.

It is good that you have planned a joint adventure though. Even if she had gone with you to S.America, there would always be the fact that it was your adventure. At least this way you have taken the big step to plan a completely different adventure together.

And, who knows, the time that you have to save before your trip may change things (Time always does, doesn't it).

...and about that 'WOMEN... who'd have em' comment...pfft!
Plenty of lovely, energetic, fab women all over the world who are planning their very own travel adventures.

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Women... you can't live with em. The end. (Al Bundy)

I'm glad it all kinda worked out for you although you should realize that (s)he who blackmails once blackmails again. In reading this I realized how glad I should be that my girlfriend is even crazier than I am and sometimes enjoys her pillion seat more than I enjoy the ride

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"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"

I hardly think this worked out at all. The trip was planned in your heart, and then you compromised to go on (another) trip to Europe. I guess, when she decides she has had enough of you, and "kicks you to the curb" you can finally go on that dream trip. But then, she'll be "sorry" and want you back again, and suck some more of your life from you. Before you know it, you'll be old, grumpy, and have never stepped foot in South America! Think about your "compromise."

Why wait? Run to the bank and borrow some money and go before she changes her mind... or gets herself knocked up with your child, or what not.

Do you have any property you can mortgage, parents that could help you out, or a nice car you could sell???

With the saving bit, have you agreed upon how much to save every month? Or, will it likely end up being you who has to bank roll the whole thing? Saving is more difficult than it sounds, especially for the homey types who see so many temptations everywhere. Loans are easy, you have to pay... or stay away for ever

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I guess it depends on your definition of "worked out". They worked out a compromise, Europe instead of South America, but if you read carefully, he has not cancelled SA yet but it's still planned in the future, hopefully together with his girlfriend and not alone. That's what I meant by 'it kinda worked out'

I realize this is a really tricky situation since whatever your decision will be you might regret it in the long run, that's the real PITA here. In the end, do what your heart tells you to do. If you think you will regret not going to SA for the rest of your life then you have already made your decision and you know you will have to go unless you want to end up an old fellow filled with bitterness and always sorry about not going. If you think you will regret breaking up then alas, you will have to compromise or change your plans. In the end, do what makes YOU happy, not what makes HER happy, that's the bottom line.
Take comfort in the fact that you're not the first one with this problem, find comfort in the fact that lots and lots of travellers probably had to leave their 'potential love of their life' behind when they left - yet I have still to read a travel report where the person ended up regretting his or her decision.

PS: I second Wheelie's suggestion of not waiting and going now before she changes her mind. Remember, she did change her mind about going once already, she might (will?) do it again if you wait. Go now, book your flights so there's no way out for her anymore. Imagine not going because she changed her mind after 11 months of planning...

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"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"

Well.. As I said, we've agreed to travel France, spain and Italy and maybe into greece & turkey. Im happy with that as there is still allot of spain I would like to see and practice my Spanish.

I told her today that im going to South America within the next 2-3 years and she either supports me and excepts my dream, comes with me and joins it or gets left behind.

I think thats more than enough time for her to make a decision and plan around.

Im happy to compromise, but theres only so much ill be pussy whipped into postponing or canceling. If she loves me, she will have to understand me.

Im 26 and still pretty young but I as people have said, Im not prepared to grow old and grumpy with a bag full of regrets. My biggest fear is that ill be made to pospone my dreams and then end up being 40 year old with a wife, kids and morgage and watching all the things I should of done on the discovery channel.

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Did some trips.
Rode some bikes.
Fix them for a living.
Can't say anymore.

Quote :-


Im 26 and still pretty young but I as people have said, Im not prepared to grow old and grumpy with a bag full of regrets. My biggest fear is that ill be made to pospone my dreams and then end up being 40 year old with a wife, kids and morgage and watching all the things I should of done on the discovery channel.



steady on there, there's plenty of us on this site who are in their 50's and older!, out there riding POST kids, morgage etc.

I didnt mean any offence in it... just that i dont want to wait 20 years to do all the stuff I could be doing now ... Get my drift ?

__________________
Did some trips.
Rode some bikes.
Fix them for a living.
Can't say anymore.

Ted,

I am not trying to be mean, but listen. I got married nine years ago, and have a six year old son and almost two year old daughter, plus the mortgage, etc. I only "discovered" this whole world last year when I found bits of a journal written by Greg Frazier and were linked to HU. I thought to myself how great it would be to go on a trip, and all, but reality kicked in. I compromised my existing life, and recently bought a very cheap Chinese manufactured enduro which I haven't ridden very much until I have the time to get to the local branch of the Arizona Motor Vehicle Division and street register it. I will take weekend trips here and there, and look forward to long rides into Mexico, or other parts of Arizona.

Ted, your life is opposite. You had your trip planned, and budgeted. This woman came into your life, and changed your mind (for you) about what you were going to do. I hope you enjoy the "compromise" trip as much as she will. I bet that she will complain about it most of the time you are on it, so as to let you know how she really feels about this whole "non-sense." (Plus, according to her, if you really love her, you will then have to see things her way, and her way only). Write back periodically, and let us know in 2 or 3 years if she "allows" you go on your long trip. I am not trying to bash women, but there are women who actively participate in this lifestyle. Look for somone on the net. Your significant other seems to grudgingly "allow" you to do so, but at great compromise to you. Take the advice from those who tell you to really think about this relationship before you are too emotionally connected.

Regards,
Simon

Ted, lots and lots of good advice above - mine is simple - be sure you BOTH get to the UK Travellers Meeting in June - I think you will find it the best experience possible to help you with your decision - and she'll get an eye and earful, all good - mostly - and her reaction will tell you a lot!

There's even a "women only" panel discussion, with experienced women travellers, both pillion and on own bike, and plenty of newbies discussing everything she'd want to know. THAT she really needs to get to.

And you'll have more than enough to addle your brain...

See you there!

Grant

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Grant Johnson
Seek, and ye shall find.
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